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And though the area of expertise Id staked out as a writer was the complications of womens independence and the nuances of sex, and my own personal brand was blunt honesty, I could not bring myself to say word one about these episodes in public. Sarah is survived by her husband, Russell Hepola; children, Paula (John) Hepola Anderson, Annette (John) Blume, Lynn (Delbert) Fickes & Keith Hepola; grandchildren, Joanna Anderson, Bryan (Mackenzie) Blume, Joshua (Kelsie) Blume, Maria (Cory) Grunewald, Hannah (Mikael) VahnDijk, Christopher Fickes, Angelene (John) Winges & Shane (Kristi) Fickes; Instead of just not inviting me, which she could have done -- she could have just slowly slinked out of my life, and I would have probably just stayed in denial and thought, You know what? I hadnt gossiped so enthusiastically since middle school. She eventually identified herself as Chanel Miller, but at the time of the statements publication, it was anonymous, and identified only the other key figure, a swimmer named Brock Turner, whose ubiquitous mug shot helped turn him into the poster child for every smug athlete, every entitled douchebag the world has ever known. Sarah Hepola is the author of the bestselling memoir, Blackout . Sally was very special and made friends wherever she went. She has worked as a music critic, travel writer, film reviewer, sex blogger, beauty columnist, and high school English teacher. Cloud Teachers College and became a 4th Grade Teacher in Sebeka, MN where she met her future husband, Donald Hepola. Public shaming is the worst kind of shaming. In her book, released in June, the author -- who edits personal essays for Salon.com -- discusses her long, both complicated and sometimes devastatingly simple relationship with alcohol. If youve never experienced a blackout, it might be hard to understand the icy wrongness of waking up to find a blank space where three hours should be. And when my friends stopped laughing because, you know, laughter is a complicity; its Im in this with you. When my friends stopped laughing, I was like, Oh wow, OK, this isnt so cool anymore., Each of my friends reacted differently to what was going on. He could take the hits. A human life is morally complex, filled with ambivalence and uncertainty, and accepting the quickly assembled dogma of social-media feeds lets us bypass messier realities that we ignore at our own peril. We will miss her deeply. I dont want to brag about where I am now. Right. I simply could not gamble with my future. Ive been waiting for someone to confront me on my drinking! They will feel defensive, hurt. husband and son, that ultimately create the life she needs to survive. The Rise to Fame The modern Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders launch in 1972 and rocket to national fame. I didnt deserve to be there, or at least thats how I felt as guests exchanged war stories about the scolds on social media, where I mostly posted upcoming appearances, like a bot run by a PR firm. And they dont know the difference between blacking out and passing out. The next day, your brain will have no imprint of [your] activities, almost as if they didn't happen." Sally is survived by her children: John (Tracy), Bemidji, MN; Paul, Menahga, MN; jean Gibbs (Mark), Waconia, MN, Sue Umhoefer (Mark),Hartland, Wl, and Dale, Bemidji, MN. Everyone kept quiet (save for the brave few who did not). During a blackout, the alcohol user may behave normally, yet have no recollection of events upon sobriety. The tragic result is a disturbed public forum where it often seems like no adults are in the room. Im watching you and you dont look OK to me. A single womans life, also precarious. As jobs in the industry diminished, journalism had become even more cutthroat. Funeral Planning and Grief Resources | There was so much that was on the other side of sobriety that was so much better. Maybe Ill write something lousy. (I had to imagine that Oprah, queen of empathy, was having a hell of a time in this day and age. 2023 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved. Id think those would be the most interesting things to write about., I gave him an exasperated look. My friends and I at the alternative paper in Austin, Texas, sat around long communal tables at dive bars arguing about pop culture, trying to one-up one another with off-color jokes as we downed pint after pint. And what I wish I could impart to someone is: If you can just get through that difficult first month, or two months, or whatever it turns out to be, I promise you, I swear to you, it is so much better on this side. I wanted people to love me without really knowing me, which isnt love. I listened to podcasts on which controversial figures interviewed controversial guests, engaging in those delicious conversations I held so dear. Some of them just never spoke about it and silently worried. Outside on the sidewalk, he thanked me politely and sauntered off in the other direction, and I was left wondering why, indeed, we do these things. Were living in a time when social media have made it dangerous to address certain fraught topics from the wrong perspective. Her work has appeared in the New York Times, The Guardian, the Atlantic, Salon, and Elle. A journalist whose delightfully combative Twitter account I read regularly, like an episodic novel. Thats when I first found out what blacking out was. When a woman is passed out, that is a clear line that you should not cross. One of the common arguments made, at least about #MeToo scandals, is that the men (and women) behaving badly rarely face legal punishment. For me, in terms of consent, there are these very clear lines. She writes of her. Online condolences may be left at jonespearson.com. Im dying to talk about the Brock Turner incident, I said. And so it came as an unwelcome surprise to watch the intolerance that my liberal friends once decried on the censorious right flood to our side of the street. Silent, fearful, aching to be heard, petrified of being misunderstood. He had a book coming out, Talking to Strangers, which included a well-researched chapter on alcohol and blackouts in the context of a college scandal I knew better than most, having met some of the people involved with the legal case. Early in our correspondence, hed expressed great affection for Jonathan Franzen. The younger man and I could talk in an antic way Id come to find quite valuable. Sarah Hepola is represented by Amy Williams of The Williams Company. You can call it justice. So theres a little bit of TBD on that answer. At my core, I was a people pleaser, and the culture had reached a moment when any opinion worthy of expression ran the risk of losing half your audience. The selfie with Malcolm Gladwell I posted to Instagram did get a ton of likes, though. Im telling you about what I saw when I was 19. Sarah Hepola The Things I'm Afraid to Write About by David Labaree March 24, 2022 Leave a Comment This post is a remarkable essay by Sarah Hepola, which appeared recently online at Atlantic. Her place was filled with hardback books and writers who had been invited because they danced on the precarious edge of what was considered appropriate. Also, Id fantasized about having lunch with him, and then later being able to say that Malcolm Gladwell and I were friends. If I had to pick, I think I'd honestly say I miss smoking more - although it is nice being able to go up a flight of stairs and not feel like I'm dying! Because I wanted to talk to other writers about the things you cant write about anymore., His eyes narrowed. His research focuses on the historical sociology of American schooling, including topics such as the evolution of high schools, the growth of consumerism, the origins and nature of education schools, and the role of schools in promoting access and advantage more than subject-matter learning. You can call it cancel culture. The Internet hates Franzen? He was not an online creature, despite being 29. What Sarah Hepola taught me about blackout drinking and sobriety's thrill Its a fair point, but me, personally? Not that project, not that story, not that controversy. I was stuck. But one of the things that reached through my denial, for whatever reason, was other peoples stories. Her past jobs include: Travel columnist, music editor, film critic, sex blogger, and for about 15 seconds in the late '90s, she taught high school English. Oh yeah, that was me. You start to see the ways that their stories sync up with you. She is also survived by her grandchildren: Sarah, Brady, Matt, JJ, Jennifer, Greg, Joe, Danny, and Shane, along with her great-grandchildren Runa, Hans, Asher, Bear, and Autumn. Too fraught, no lived experience. Three guys I met on dating apps who refused to get vaccinated: Eh, never mind. Find the obituary of Sarah Hepola (1928 - 2022) from Mesa, AZ. She was one of those people who rarely had a bad day. At one point, for example, she came out of a blackout while having sex with someone she didn't recognize: "It's like the universe dropped me into someone else's body. Gender, sex, morality. Is there anything that would have been helpful for you to hear, or that you would say to people who are in that stage right now? They were married in Little Falls and moved to Eden Prairie, MN" in 1962. Phone dates with writer friends in other parts of the country stretched to two and three hours as we worked out essays we would never write, toggling between outrage, despair, and armchair cultural analysis of the latest dustup. BLACKOUT: Remembering The Things I Drank To Forget is the story of a woman stumbling into a new kind of adventure the sober life she never wanted. Artists were the weirdos and the scoundrels, the square pegs who never fit the round hole of society, and the result was typically a bucket of addictions, perversions, and bizarre predilections born of life on the outskirts. Im 40 years old, and during all these years that Im getting wasted to the point of blackout, that Im falling down stairs, that Im having one night stands with guys, I cannot remember -- and Im not saying this never happened, but I cannot remember -- a friend, a person around me, or anyone saying, Were you too drunk to consent to this? I just dont remember that conversation ever happening. She was preceded in death by: her husband, Don; her son, Mark; and her daughter in law Twyla (Paul). Consent, complicity, moral trespass, power dynamics. Sarah Hepola is the author of the bestselling Blackout and whatever she writes next. What things cant you write about?, Gender, sex, politics. This was 2018, and the party was an informal gathering at the sumptuous Brooklyn brownstone of a writer deemed problematic, even before that word went mainstream. I suspect I will lose followers (I dont have that many), but perhaps I will gain self-respect, which Ive been sorely lacking lately. My book opens with an episode in Paris where I came out of a blackout in the middle of having sex with a man I did not recognize. Also, Id fantasized about having lunch with him, and then later being able to say that Malcolm Gladwell and I were friends. Cloud Teachers College and became a 4th Grade Teacher in Sebeka, MN where she met her future husband, Donald Hepola. The couple next to me on my flight was headed to a wedding and staying with 81 people at an AirBNB. My heart goes out to people who have that situation. Id spent the past five or so years watching celebrities, pundits, friends, and internet randos fall from grace for reasons as varied as sharing dumb jokes, making clumsy writing errors, accidentally showing their dong, and expressing controversial (though often widely held) opinions in the public execution chambers of social media. In the sixth grade, I did a six-week research project on the PMRC, the Parents Music Resource Center, and you might call that lengthy, impassioned report my first long-form story. Sarah Hepola, the author of Blackout, is a writer at large for Texas Monthly. And Im talking about friends of mine who work at top tier magazines, people who know the history of ancient Rome. I was very disconnected from the emotional stakes of sex. She moved out of Brooklyn to a tiny, beautiful apartment on Jane Street in Manhattan, then a year later back to her hometown of Dallas, Texas, where she is tearing up the town writing for local and national publications, and still editing essays for Salon. I think a lot of people dont know the difference. There were the pressing matters of rent, exorbitant insurance, and the occasional glitter heels. Five years ago this month, Sarah Hepola awoke to a scene that looked like just any other Sunday morning. There were the pressing matters of rent, exorbitant insurance, and the occasional glitter heels. I was not writing much about this stuff, except in the journals where I always stowed my secrets. Is this you? Millers account is searing. Terms of Use | Burial service for victims of the SS Atlantic shipwreck, April 1873. Like me, the younger man had fallen in love with art because it was the place where people told the truth. And so I watched from afar as the person whose memory had not recorded the incident came to control the narrative. A story about sex workers during the pandemic written by a nonsex worker who didnt even frequent strip clubs? I still wanted it both ways: the respect and admiration of strangers without the hard work of earning that respect. Public scolding, all-caps hyperbole, a stubborn refusal to understand another point of viewintolerance, once perceived as a conservative problem, was fully bipartisan now. Follow her on Twitter (@sarahhepola) and Instagram . We see Hepola scan an AA room for a potential boyfriend, gain fifty pounds by . I was screwed. Sarah Hepola: When I first started thinking about writing a book, I went to Barnes & Noble in Union Square [in New York], and I went to the addiction section and read everything I could find.I found this book about women and drinking, and the upshot was that women hide their drinking and there are no social rituals about drinking for women the way there are for men. Maybe Ill meet the love of my life, and maybe come April, Ill be picking up groceries for the good people of North Texas who need those seven items, pronto. A story about sex workers during the pandemic written by a nonsex worker who didnt even frequent strip clubs? One of the great mistakes of our moment is being deemed on the wrong side of history. But has anyone read ahead in the book so they know how future generations will see this stuff? 1928 - 2022 Sally was born on September 1, 1928, to Frank and Noella Hall in Little Falls, MN. He gave me his dog-eared paperback of Slouching Toward Bethlehem. I thought that my dating life was over, because there was no way in hell that I was gonna be able to be intimate with somebody without drinking. Which is one of the fundamental problems that alcoholics have to face: some people can keep alcohol in their life because theyre able to moderate it, but I could not. No jail time. Sarah grew up in Dallas, Texas, and was brought up in a household of modest chaos. Blackouts might be the freakiest neurological occurrence that also happens to be casually categorized as another Friday night. I couldnt always tell the difference between activism and protectionism, valid critique and frivolous complaint. But in 2015 Id written a memoir that introduced some controversial ideas about women and drinking, and I badly wanted to be a part of their rogue outfit, even as I clung to the more doctrinaire one Id long considered my own. Every one of my friendships got stronger when I quit drinking -- because when you dare to tell the truth to the people who are close to you, and you dare to show your heart to them, that is an act of trust, and people, if theyre good friends -- and mine were -- they respond to that. I was not in that situation; I was on the other side of the fence. Perhaps you've seen her work on Salon. So this is my resolution as I trudge from this dark place: to speak out more. We are all unreliable narrators. Its very unusual for sexual assaults involving a blackout to get a conviction, partly for this reason. 3 min DEC 7, 2021 1. Some kind of moral monster? Maybe thats why I held so fast to the younger man Id met on Tinder, of all places. Once-celebrated writers were being publicly rebranded as ghoulish, pieces of trash, red-pilled. Ours was not a moment to explore The Other Side. I was not writing much about this stuff, except in the journals where I always stowed my secrets. Course Syllabus School, What Is It Good For? But it was like that for me.". Oprah managed deep conversations with each of them, never pointing out that one account brushed uncomfortably against the other. And that is a great gift that you can give someone. And thats why, midway through a career built on speaking out, I shut up. Maybe it would get me into The New Yorker! Its very unusual for sexual assaults involving a blackout to get a conviction, partly for this reason. The first time Sarah Hepola, author of the new memoir Blackout: Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget, got drunk, she was eleven years old, visiting her cousin for summer vacation. Lets get blackout has been a college rallying cry for many years. Peak Atlantic. When you are making policy, and when you are trying to make social change, it behooves you to speak in very clear terms, you know? Sarah Hepola is the author of the New York Times bestseller, "Blackout: Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget," now out in paperback. The unwritten rule of elite media tribes seemed to be this: You spout the company line, or you shut up. Blackouts might be the freakiest neurological occurrence that also happens to be casually categorized as another Friday night. Every once in a while, Id get a head of steam about some scandal, and Id start a big-swing essay only to bench myself a few days later. I toyed with the idea of writing about Brock Turner. Thank you for asking me that. "There was this funny complicity, we . The reviews were mixed, but the hits didnt really come, maybe because by the time his book came out, during the cresting wave of Black Lives Matter, the culture had moved away from #MeToo discussions, or maybe because nobody felt like tangling with Malcolm Gladwell. 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